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tell me that you love me more.
a feeling never dies.
Recent Entries 
11th-Jan-2011 12:12 am - this is a smile
apparently listening to music from the 90s, like good pop music, can make you smile like a goof ball.

I still wanna go to Texas, and my socks smell.

but hey, I'm still smiling.
In the summer there was another fight between my cousin Danielle and Katlin. And I got dragged into it.
It wsa ribfest and we all wanted Danielle to come with us, but she wouldn't or couldn't. And I wasn't going to push the subject, because the only reason we started speaking again was because my aunt died and I didn't want another death to have to bring us together.
Katlin said things that we all were thinking, but she acted alone.
Danielle deleted and blocked me on facebook, didn't answer my texts, didn't answer my messages on msn. and just ignored the fuck out of me.
Apparently she forgave Katlin, and unblocked and re-added the rest of the family on facebook again, save for me. I stopped caring the minute she acted like a baby.

But tonight, after 5 months or no contact, no birthday wishes, no nothing. she goes:
"oh hey, how are you."
"confused as to why you are now talking to me."

I wasn't more of a bitch then that, but it was made CLEAR that I was through with her bull shit.
so I ended the conversation with,
"You know what, Take care."
and I deleted her.

and I know that I have just effectively ended my friendship/family association with her. But frankly, I don't even give a fuck. I'm done with people, family or not, who treat me like shit and then expect me to be there afterwards.

Started off 2011 to a good start. I cut out the poison. And, I'm going to continue to do that where ever it may arise.

My friend Ben tells me that 83% of people are just not worth it. I never disagreed, but I am just now truly agreeing.

2nd-Jan-2011 06:34 am - this is a recap
I figured out what 2010 was: The year I lost myself.

I used to be pretty self confident despite a lot of things, but then this year I turned so anxious, nervous, sad and completely into a girl that I did not want to be.
I am going to say that's why I didn't do half the things I wanted to do.

I really turned into one of those girls that I did not want to be and that I make fun of.  But at least I know the problem. It's not like I am left here confused about why last year was so shitty.

This one I am actually going to make a solid effort to fucking do shit.
I took Mondays and Wednesdays off from work, for schooll, and I am also going to take those days and do shit with them. When I'm downtown, I'll go to different places, I'll use my camera. I'll learn to use my Pentax camera better.

By April 23rd, I am going to have my Nikon D90. Nothing is going to stop that.
By June I am going to be on the road, going to (tentative) Kentucky, Louisiana, Texas.
why Texas? Cause it's my goal to sleep with a hot, plaid wearing, cowboy hat sporting, hick in the back of a pick up truck of the 4th of July while fireworks are going off. (my goals are better than yours, don't deny it)

I am 22 now, and I feel like what the fuck have I done. Maybe that's why I can't seem to settle into anything, because I have so much unlived life in my veins just waiting to get out. I need to do something about it.
And I'm fucking going to.

This is it. This is the year where I live it out. And if I don't, well, there's always the afterlife.
20th-Dec-2010 12:59 am - ledge
sometimes I really love my friends and never want to leave.

only sometimes.
12th-Dec-2010 08:25 pm(no subject)
 what I want right now:

I want to go swimming in a heated pool
I want to go for a drive in the rain
I want sand underneath my toes
I want to drink out of the bottle
I want to laugh and not worry
I want to say fuck scars
I want to not be sad or mad or angry
I want to really smile
I want to listen to music that is just way too loud but not loud enough
I want to have a hot hot shower
I want to scream with happiness
I want to jump on a trampoline
I want to lie down and stare at the stars
I want to capture a feeling
I want a tattoo of something that means nothing and everything
I want to go to bed when the sun comes up on a beach

I want too much. I expect too much. I don't let myself have any of it though. Is this progess?
12th-Dec-2010 05:25 pm(no subject)
I hate my life. I hate it. I know that there are more people who have it worse then me, and I hate that I complain about this, but what else am I susposed to do? I can't keep it locked in anymore because I don't want to turn into my parents. That is one thing that I don't want at all. ever. I don't care if I fail at everything else that I try to do in life, but if I never turn into them, I will consider myself the luckiest person on earth.
28th-Nov-2010 12:50 am - this floating feeling
best feeling in the world isn't when you find 5 bucks in your pocket. It's when you find a joint.
not the biggest joint, but it did the job.

you know that feeling after you smoke and your throat burns a bit, but in the good way? yeah I love it.

I remember wanting to write something cause I thought that it would be really cool to remember, but I can't remember it.

The thing is, now I don't remember which I was thinking about more.  And I want to know. you know?

I stared at my eyes and they look really green against the red. and my back is getting massaged by all the tingles that I'm feeling.

and I never want it to leave.:
27th-Nov-2010 02:42 pm - heard of
I don't think that I am capapble of killing myself anymore, but I don't think that I know how to live properly.
you know?
The things that should excite me jut leave me neutral. The things I claim I want to do I have to drive to try and do it.
All these plans I have made, all of these goals I set,
fuck em.
Boredom? Apathy? Depression?
I don't even know anymore, and I don't think I have it in me to care.

so I do what I do, I go out with people, with friends and I laugh and I try to have a genuinely good time. Sometimes it happens, other times it doesn't.
I told my boss I can't take the promotion that they want me to take because I don't know if in a week or two I am going to be able to physcially get out of bed and do it.

this is so fucked up and pathetic and I want to say that this is not me at all.
It's someone else. But it's me at the same time.
It's Kristina and Bree, they were the same but they weren't. I just don't know what to name my Bree.
24th-Nov-2010 09:11 pm - I am in misery
I hate reading. I hate it so much.

I get so attatched to these characters, I put myself in their place, I think like them, I hate it so much.

I hate it so, but I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

One question: how come I let myself love characters so whole heartedly, but when it comes to real life humans, I don't?
Life's ultimate bitch.
17th-Nov-2010 08:18 pm(no subject)
I just need something to calm me down now.
Nothing even really happened much.
It's just
can't deal with people right now
get your own life and don't try and live mine.
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