People expect things from me.
They tend to expect me to be the funny one, always be smiling and light hearted.
That girl is a pretend girl. Sometimes I am genuinely happy and it's easy to tell. other times, I am this other person who wants to not smile, not emote anything but just stare off and think about nothing.
I can't be her.
If I turn into her, who is really me, then it's the endless parade of questions from people who want to know what's wrong.
I am positive that they don't care they just don't want someone around them who could withdraw into herself so easily.
I play this part for the most part.
I pretend to be someone so often that I don't remember who I really am. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if it's me I am looking at or if it is someone else entirely.
I am saving my ass off to get out of here to be with people who don't expect me to be this person. Because maybe once before pretending saved my life, but now I feel like it could be slowly ending me. Not that I will go down that road again, I know that I want to be alive but sometimes I don't know if I want to live. Because maybe I don't know how? I'm not sure.
I'm going to live in a book.