I'm just feeling nothing and something and somethings all at the same time right now and I can't fully explain it but I just need to write it out.
I deny a lot to myself, coupled with the fact that I lie a lot it's not a good combination. When I dream though, a lot of what I deny comes to be. That's fucking sucks. Because I wake up in the morning and I have a tiny revelation and I am either like, "oh okay" and carry on. Or I sit in bed and dwell on it so much. Last night's dream was the dwelling sort. It's something that I didn't think much about and then when I did give it the thoughts I quickly was like NAW NO NAH!!!! (in that order)
It was a fucked up dream. I was being sent off an institution because my therapist and my parents couldn't handle me. So I destroyed my room and the house and then they gave me a couple minutes to talk to someone before I had to go. As in my usual fashion I said next to nothing but revealed everything. It had a good outcome but it's just not something that I really want right now.
But now I am only going to think of it and not be able to get over it. I need a drink. I don't care that it is 9:30 a.m. I need to forget. Thank god I am going to the bar in my school today. THATS RIGHT. A BAR. IN MY SCHOOL.
Last night I had a huge headache. Like mega insane. I don't think it's stemming from my concussion, but I felt dizzy a bit. I didn't tell my mom or else I'll be back at the hospital lol. And I don't wanna spend 8 hours with a hospital gown showing my ass. Not in my plans.
I guess I just gotta push this into the darkest corners of my mind. But they're getting full so I think I am going to need to start admitting things soon.