I know that I haven't posted in forever. I keep meaning to. But sometimes there are things that you just need to write out with pen on paper. So this has been neglected.
All I can tell you is that I want to break free, dye my hair, get tattooed, have a all my fantasies fulfilled, travel, leave, be free?
Yes I want all of those things.
I am going to keep writing with my pen and my paper and maybe I'll translate those words.
Remember when I used to update this like 3 times a day?
I miss that.
I was just thinking about the rain and how much I like it. Especially in a train. window seat, train, ipod, rain. Perfect combination.
Add in some fall colors and shit is beautiful.
I am going on a business trip in two weeks and I chose to fly out instead of the train, and I regret it a bit. I mean it takes longer for sure, but fuck if it isn't pretty.
I am going to write more. I need to write more. I miss feeling emptied after writing something out.
Now whenever I try and do anything, I just get bored/distracted halfway through and can't deal with it anymore.
let's see if I can keep this shit up.
People expect things from me.
They tend to expect me to be the funny one, always be smiling and light hearted.
That girl is a pretend girl. Sometimes I am genuinely happy and it's easy to tell. other times, I am this other person who wants to not smile, not emote anything but just stare off and think about nothing.
I can't be her.
If I turn into her, who is really me, then it's the endless parade of questions from people who want to know what's wrong.
I am positive that they don't care they just don't want someone around them who could withdraw into herself so easily.
I play this part for the most part.
I pretend to be someone so often that I don't remember who I really am. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if it's me I am looking at or if it is someone else entirely.
I am saving my ass off to get out of here to be with people who don't expect me to be this person. Because maybe once before pretending saved my life, but now I feel like it could be slowly ending me. Not that I will go down that road again, I know that I want to be alive but sometimes I don't know if I want to live. Because maybe I don't know how? I'm not sure.
I'm going to live in a book.
I am horrible at keeing up with this lately.
I'm just feeling nothing and something and somethings all at the same time right now and I can't fully explain it but I just need to write it out.
I deny a lot to myself, coupled with the fact that I lie a lot it's not a good combination. When I dream though, a lot of what I deny comes to be. That's fucking sucks. Because I wake up in the morning and I have a tiny revelation and I am either like, "oh okay" and carry on. Or I sit in bed and dwell on it so much.
Last night's dream was the dwelling sort. It's something that I didn't think much about and then when I did give it the thoughts I quickly was like NAW NO NAH!!!! (in that order)
It was a fucked up dream. I was being sent off an institution because my therapist and my parents couldn't handle me. So I destroyed my room and the house and then they gave me a couple minutes to talk to someone before I had to go. As in my usual fashion I said next to nothing but revealed everything. It had a good outcome but it's just not something that I really want right now.
But now I am only going to think of it and not be able to get over it.
I need a drink. I don't care that it is 9:30 a.m. I need to forget. Thank god I am going to the bar in my school today.
THATS RIGHT. A BAR. IN MY SCHOOL.
Last night I had a huge headache. Like mega insane. I don't think it's stemming from my concussion, but I felt dizzy a bit. I didn't tell my mom or else I'll be back at the hospital lol. And I don't wanna spend 8 hours with a hospital gown showing my ass. Not in my plans.
I guess I just gotta push this into the darkest corners of my mind. But they're getting full so I think I am going to need to start admitting things soon.
I can't get worse then this, or else it's just foreshadowing for my death.
Last Thursday I had a bad fall and I bruised and hurt both my knees, my hand and elbow. The kicker: I sprained my neck.
Yesterday, my ankle tripped on nothing because my ankles sometimes give out, I hit my knee but I got up and was like, wow I'm dumb and I laughed about it with the girl who was at the cash (I was at work)
Then I go to stand at my computer and then I feel fuzzy, like a big head rush, and then the sides of my vision start to go dark, but in like sprinkle mode.
THEN, I am floating or swimming and I am relaxed and enjoying sleep, but all of a sudden I think I am not supposed to be sleeping I'm supposed to be at work, why am I sleeping. Then I realize that I am shaking. Shaking fucking hard. My eyes open and the shaking stops and I wake up and I'm on a floor. It's black so it's not my floor. I see a Bureau en Gros sign and I realize that I am at work.
I try to lift myself up off the ground and I can't. I scream for the cashier and I am crying and freaking out and don't know what happened. There is blood on the floor and my head is swelling up like a balloon.
My manager comes running and her and Ashley are talking at me but I can't figure out how to answer them. I can speak and function but I am freaking out. I burst into tears and collpase on the ground and can't handle it. We figure out that I cut my hand and that's where the blood is from. But I hit my head on like a wood laminate dresser on wheels. And it moved. Far from where it was supposed to be. So I hit my head on that and then smacked the ground.
My manager calls my mom to come get me and they try and figure out what happened. I for at least 30 can not stop crying. I am a mess of fluids all over my face.
And it's the one day I decide to wear mascara..... really life? really?
so we go to the hospital and tell the girl at the check in desk what happened, then go and sit down. less than ten minutes later I am called into triage. I tell the story again, she tests some things, feels my head and the bump. Walks away, comes back and says okay follow me asap. They admitted me right away which was scary because I am used to waiting. But when the nurse feels your head and then checks you in asap, that is fucking scary.
so I had to checked all over, poking and prodding. Then came the I.V, and she tried to get blood from the IV but that didn't work. So she had to use another vein, then I had another I.V (so I now look like a heroin addict). Then went for X rays of my hip, and knee. And then waiting. I had to be observed for 6 hours. I am wheeled into the middle of a room surrounded by sick old people. So on top of the biggest head pain I've had in my life I feel like I am going to catch something.
My bump was so big I could put my entire hand on it and not touch the non-inflammed part of my head. I couldn't even feel the ice pack at first. They only gave me two tylenol-for gay.
I went for a cat scan and they kept jostling the stretcher. And when they were wheeling my from place to place I was getting the worst motion sickness. But I am bffs with Craig the Orderly now.
Results came back and said everything was normal, but I do have a concussion. OBVIOUSLY. I hit my head two seperate times, bound to be a bit concussed. So I got perscribed more drugs and was finally able to put my clothes back on and then I went home.
I have bruises all down my right hip and I still have pain and dizziness.
When I went to get my perscription filled I was trying to read the business cards and I couldn't read it. My vision couldnt focus I couldnt do anything. I got confused about how to get out of a corner, I couldnt open my meds and I burst into tears. My limbs just didnt want to cooperate at all.
I hate this.
This is going to be the only hospital visit for me this year. period.
way to have a nice relaxing weekend eh? NAHT.
Okay, truth time. Reason I can't be in a relationship and the reason I wsa never any good at it all boils down to two people: Sid And Nancy.
Yes, Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols. And yes, Nancy his groupie girlfriend who caused his demise and who he eventually (though not proven) killed.
Because I look at pictures of them together, I hear the stories of how they met, I see them and I see that he was so in love with her but she used him like nobody's business.
She tried sleeping with Johnny Rotten first, but when that didn't happen she rolled over and found Sid. She used him to get everywhere, to get everything and he loved her. He did everything to love her and for her to love him back.
I feel like I am the girl who doesn't love back enough. I don't feel it, I know it. And I don't want to be the cause of someone to feel like they aren't worth shit. But what happens to me when I am with someone is that eventually I end up making them feel like shit one way or another.
In the grand scheme of things I just don't know if I am capable of loving someone like I want them to love me.
The fucked up thing, is that I'm not even sad about it. Just annoyed.
I had this kind of revelation in the past couple days
I'm going to start doing things that make me happy. That actually make me so happy I can't be sad anymore. I don't know exactly what that is going to entail, but I am going to have to start doing something soon.
that's progress right?
so you know when people are like, "I can't tell him/her how I feel because I don't want to risk the friendship"
I used to be that way. I used to have brains, and common sense.
and then I guess in the breakdown, I lost it.
I was stupid.
I 've been stupid a couple times, but only once it bit me in the ass.
I have to promise myself never to be that stupid again.
Right now, I need to remind myself of that.
Because this stomach butterfly thing that I have going on... it's not good.
This melty feeling that I recently developped
But can't literally be.
scary ass shit
my friend Peter who was trying to be my dream guide and fix me
realizing that I was keeping someone around for bad reasons
me falling into a dream within my dream
me commanding myself to wake up
woke up through 3 levels
woke up screaming
woke up with tears on my face
had a panic attack in my dream
woke up and felt how tight my chest was and how shaky my entire body was and knew I had one in real life as well
got in a fight with someone in my dream while trying to cross the street
ran away from home that wasn't home
drank beer. like a lot of beer.
for some reason baked a cake
yelled at my cousin who made an appearance
Ran an art studio
but it's the screaming thing that fucked me up. Through 3 levels of sleep I woke myself up and was screaming.
never want that again.
Im shaking and I'm mad and Im hurt and Im resoting to things and it's fucked
I cant get the words out or else Ill just spill things I dont want to face.
not even leaving anything cryptic here this time.